this is to everyone i’ve ever hurt, betrayed, and lied to. i’m not making any excuses for myself. everyone goes through hardships. i knowingly did what i did, and i’m sorry for it. but you have to understand a few things. i grew up in not the best environment. its hard for me to feel compassion for people when people never genuinely felt for me. my father says he loves me, yet i heard him the other night calling me a “soon to be fuck up in life”. thats just an example. its gone on for a while. my mother says she loves me, but only wants me to live with her in austin because she will get a tax deduction. its hard for me to keep promises to people when i grew up around a father who said nothing would ever break our family apart. then when i turned 8 he divorced my mom and i later figured out he had been having an affair for 4 years. he also had another child. its hard for me to not just drop someone off the face of the earth in my head when my (old) best friend did the same. Its hard for me to not lie when my parents persuaded me to keep their hidden business ( strip club ) a secret my whole life. its hard for me to not go out and do some stupid shit when my parents did exactly that ( drugs, sex, incest, divorce).
theses are just examples of countless things. but it corrupted my youth. i was forced to be an adult at an early age and i lost my innocence with that. i sadly now see no truth, no real feeling, no compassion, and no genuine feelings in anyone or anything. I see each and every person as someone who will eventually leave, eventually fuck me over, and eventually not care about someone who has cared the world for them. Its my mindset and it cant be changed. i dont care anymore about almost anything because of it. i have no true ambition in life. no dreams to fuel potential ambition. theres no point in trying anymore because every situation always ends the same. i end up alone, disappointed, crushed, and feel like a failure. like i said, nobody can change my mindset. maybe im better off alone so i dont mess with anyone’s feelings too..
the reason i now have made the terrible mistake of fucking people over and messing up good things is because i see the deceit and potential corruption that was instilled at a young age beginning to surface. so i do it first, mainly to protect them. they’ll end up thinking im a dick or a bad friend or an asshole but i really just dont want to fuck with their feelings. i know ill freak out and think that theyre bad people, so i just end the situation myself. most times in an immature or cold blooded way.
in conclusion, im truly sorry and i hope you all know this. i mean every word. deep inside theres 1% of me that still has genuine thoughts and feelings and i take things to heart. i dont care what anyone thinks of this. if you read this, believe this.